Sunday, January 15, 2006

this is shit mehn. im doing an assertion paper saying rizal is not worthy to be our national hero. well it's kind of challenging. yun lang if i don't find anything saying something like that, then it's the end for me.well at least i found something na pala. it's something nick joaquin wrote. it's kind of convincing. i shall read on.

im so bored. i have things to do. it's just about me not being in the mood to do anything. it's not that im not happy anymore doing my plates. im still happy. it's just that sometimes, when i visit the kitchen and cook stuff for myself, im's hard to explain. or maybe it's not. im just afraid to admit that i would have been happier if i was enrolled in a culinary school. ok fine this is not because of jillian, only you and me wanting to be like jillian. i seriously wanted to study in a culinary school. i just don't have the money to finance my studies though i still want to pursue culinary arts so bad.

i miss mat. this is so hard. he doesn't have feelings for me kaya kahit maghimutok ako na hindi sha nagpaparamdam sakin e wala akong magawa. yeah it's just me. you know maybe deng has a point in making my life miserable. siguro napakalaki kong sagabal sa kanya dahil hindi naman ako gusto ni mat pero ang laki kong epal sa buhay niya. you know, if it was so darn easy to let go of mat, or to let go of my feelings for him, i would have done so a long time ago. it's not easy having to make sacrifices for him, to continue doing favors for him, to wait constantly and to just keep on loving him without getting anything in return. it's just so hard. the worst thing is, i don't intend to keep this small light of hope in me. automatic nalang. ewan ko it's just what keeps me going. ayokong umasa and my mom knows that very well. we both can't help it. i like mat so much and he's so nice to me that i can't help but continue liking him still. and i can't help hoping that someday he'd like me back. i would like to think someday is not that far away. but as what the wise people say, if he was meant for me, god will give him to me in his own time. i can't rush things. i can't guard him all the time either. i can't have him all to myself. call me selfish but i don't want to share him with anybody else. i don't know. im sure im not obssessed. a friend told me that loving means having to make that person feel every single day, every single minute, every second that you love him/her.i would love to do that everyday if i could.maybe i could, i just don't have the courage to do so. and im afraid to lose him if i do too. im always afraid of rejection. sometimes, i try to keep myself contented with what we are. mabuti naman ung anjan sha kesa wala. pero ang hirap lang din umasa habang buhay. ayokong sabihing habang buhay. tangina baka hindi ako makapag-asawa neto. well anyway, all i know now is that im still into him. i may have told him im over him but the truth is that im not. i try to be there for him as much as i could kasi gusto ko maramdaman niya kung gano sha kaimportante sakin. if only i could say yes to him all the time, i really would. i may not be the one who brightens up his day but i will still strive to be. i may not be the person who makes him feel important every single day but i will try to be. if i could be there for him everytime he needs me i really would. i know it's hard but i will still keep on trying because he's enough reason for me to keep on going.

im so pathetic. i really am. :( but that's life. spice to...spice.

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

(10:20 PM)