Monday, March 27, 2006

after so long, i get to update this again. it's different when i jot down shit at lj. this is more personal. i get to rant and rant about the shitness of mat and my shitness as well. at least i get to write as long as i want to without hogging anybody's pages.

yeah i still haven't gotten over the fact that i chose to distance myself from mat. i had always wanted to do that but i never really had the courage to do so. it always sounded like a joke when i would say i hated mat and i didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore coz right after i say that, i see him and then i forget i even said i hated him. walang paninindigan in short haha. but this time i can already say that i am serious about this. i guess i seriously (finally) got sick of having to think about him all the was just too much. when he told me that i wasn't the only person he asked to wake him up, it just sounded like, a so there was a lot of us pala. kung andami namin, why do you have to ask me? why do you have to make it seem like fault ko pa pala na kung ayaw kong gisingin ka, i should've just said so. there are some things you do even if you don't want to. ayoko pero dahil sayo ginagawa ko.kahit naiinis ako gagawin ko kasi ikaw yun. i can take these things for quite sometime. but for the past two years, this has always been the case. tapos minsan waiting for him to be there when he promises to be there tapos wala pala. im just so sick of everything that i couldn't elaborate that much anymore. i feel like a broken tape recorder. i know we've been through so much. we've spent an awful lot of time together. we were together in my best and worst moments. i wouldn't say the same for him because he seems to forget me during his own moments. i just thought i couldn't be with someone who's treats a sister, a girlfriend and a close friend all the same. i was never the assuming type. i only assume when the person shows interest in me as well. i wouldn't have assumed there was something if i felt there wasn't. it was just so hard to read him sometimes. there were times he made me feel there was more to what we were doing than just being plain companions. it was my fault pa pala if i misinterpreted everything we were doing, even the way he treated me. was it my fault i was all out for him and that i thought all along we had something when we had nothing? or was he the one who was paasa and all that? i really don't understand that's why im letting go of this thing i was holding on to dearly... i only cry over people that mean so much to me. i don't regret crying over him or even the time i spent with him. i have no feeling of disregard for all the help he has given me, or for the times he took me out and made me feel like i was more than that friend he said that i was. sorry kung siguro hindi ako marunong magtimbang na ginagawa natin para sa isa't isa. you've got a point there. okay lang talaga. right now, at this very moment, im actually suprised to feel that i actually regret having to say all those bad things about ciela because i realized i have no right to judge her whatsoever. even if i think that she's a bit flirt and all<---nako hindi tlga bad thing to.HAHAHA...anyway, i mean, i guess it was just that one eyed green monster in me that's saying all those things. fart, ok fine i still don't think she's okay, but to lessen the evil in me, sige na if mat says she's okay okay na. okay? haha. e yun. i just thought i needed to realize things myself. i really need to get away from mat not because i don't want to be friends with him anymore. i just want to set things straight with myself that he's just a friend to me, that's all he'll ever be. i can't continue liking someone who doesn't see things the same as i do. i mean this is not a bad thing. what i mean is that if mat doesn't like me in the same way that i like him, it's not going to work at all because i can't force myself at him. until i have not settled some of these issues about the way i see things, id rather not spend time with him or on him anymore. im really not sure. i just need time to think and to fix myself. i already figured i was feeling this way because i sensed that mat's relationship with ciela is in a different level already. i really don't want to be in the picture anymore. I don't need another girl hating me even if i don't stand a chance against any of them.

you've said this a number of times na im not kawawa dahil ako lang ang nagiisip nun. you got it all wrong. i was always kawawa but you never saw it that way. just because i don't cry as much doesn't mean i don't feel bad about anything. i was always the type who keeps everything to myself or would just put my feelings into words. i could tell other people but i couldn't tell you. what would you think about me if i told you everything i felt? it would seem like im pushing myself at you. but i guess i was wrong to keep it all from you. you would've done some damage control if you knew. okay lang, i chose to put myself through all these kaya kasalanan ko na. ok lang ok lang ok lang. this is for the best. we can be friends again after i've fixed myself. you can always come to visit but we won't talk as much as anymore. be happy. :)

Gonna find some other guy for me
This time it will be just like the wind
Coming at the time it must be
And blowing to where I should be
I've longed for the wind,
They touch me through my feelings
And you'll never know till they begin,
What you want is really what it means

(6:00 PM)