Tuesday, July 17, 2007
ITALY- i trust and love you.
actually im still not okay but we talked already. this afternoon was one of the saddest moments we had ever since we got together.(sorry if it seems like im ranting about this again. patawarin naman ako. thesis is going well so i guess i have nothing silly to say..:P) last night, i seriously felt like i didn't make him happy at all and that he didn't love me enough. it really didn't make sense why he's not sure of what he feels right now. i think im doing my best to make him happy, even if i am a spoiled brat and i whine too much. dati hindi ako sure kung talagang mahal ko sha. now i know that i really do because the fact that he might change his mind again scares the hell out of me. if i don't love him, i won't care if he still has feelings for her. after all, di naman permanente dito sa pilipinas si dharlene. nagbabakasyon lang. siguro di ko lang matanggap na sa kabila ng mga bagay at pagmamahal na binibigay ko sakanya e di parin niya magawa ibaling sakin lang ang kanyang attention.
ang lungkot talaga kanina. he even cried. im not sure if he cried dahil sabi ko ayoko na muna kung di rin lang sha sure or because of her. sabi ko kasi, if he's not sure about what he feels, i would be more than willing to let him think first. sabi ko kasi, "you can't love us both. fine you used to love her pero ako na yung ngayon. if you can't choose between the two of us, ayoko na. im sick of being second fiddle all the time." nakakalungkot kasi feeling ko gulong gulo na utak niya pero ayoko na kasi ung lagi ko nalang iisipin kung talagang ako lang ang mahal niya o kung ako lang ang pampuno niya sa emptiness na nararamdaman niya dahil di na magiging sila ni dharlene. and besides, i don't want to get hurt again. i think we've gone through so much already. kung di niya talaga kayang pagdesisyunan kung talagang para sa akin lang ang pag-ibig niya(drama rama), ayoko na muna. hindi ko ata kaya yung ganun. pero nung umiyak sha talaga kanina, naaawa ako. siguro nga mahal niya ako.
kaya ibinibigay ko ng buong puso ang aking tiwala sa kanya. sinabi ko naman na na kung may gagawin shang makakasira saming dalawa, ayoko na talaga. wala nang negosasyon. ung kahapon lang, sakin, di ko na masikmura yun pero dahil mahal ko talaga sha, nakipagayos na ako ulit. hay...
it has always been so hard for me to trust people, especially him...and i always said i would never love someone as much as i loved the boy i call sunshine. i think i might take that back. i already found someone who makes me happy and whom i love dearly. i hope we get through this. i hope i do.:(